The struggle ends when gratitude begins

Or at least that's what I hope...

I have everything I dreamed of having when I was growing up, and I'm not enjoying it.

By that, I don't mean that I wish for something different, I mean I'm taking it for granted and I'm focusing on the wrong parts of it.

I'm incredibly lucky; I have two beautiful children, a supportive husband, pets I adore, a home I love being in, and so much more to be thankful for in my life. I forget this every single day.

I get so swept up in the stress and bustle of it all, that I'm missing the best parts of it. I'm so busy thinking about what comes next or what needs to be done before bedtime that I'm losing whole days and missing the brilliant chaos of young family life.

Instead of appreciating the beauty of watching my 3-year-old play with all his toys, I find myself thinking about the fact that I can't see the floor and wanting to tidy it all away.

Instead of focusing on the fact that my husband came in from a full day at work and sorted all the laundry without a word or a question (again), I choose to nag him about the fact that left his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor last night, because I sometimes feel like a maid and it's easy to take that out on him.

Instead of appreciating the moments where my children are playing together as a beautiful bonding moment, I stress over the fact that my son might make my daughter sick (my health anxiety has latched on to my baby daughter's fragility big time) and find myself trying to create space between them.

In short, I spend so much of my time worrying, overthinking and planning for the future, that I'm missing what's right in front of me; I'm missing the experiences that make the life I've dreamed of (my actual life) a reality.

And while there is value in teaching my kids to tidy up after themselves, and showing them that being a homeowner comes with a responsibility that is hard to shake, I don't want that to be their lasting memory of me. I want them to remember fun, shared experiences, love and presence.

I don't want my husband to think that I don't value him being there right beside me in this madness and beauty that we chose together. I don't want our children to grow and leave home, and for us to have nothing left in common because we focused on them and forgot to be us. He plays a big part in keeping me sane and I know that burden is a big one for him to bear; I hope he knows how much I appreciate it, and plan on making it much clearer to him.

So I'm determined to change. I want to be calmer, more fun to be around and generally a more optimistic person. Worry and busyness are getting me nowhere but stuck in a hamster wheel, so time to try something different.

I know that it won't be easy, and I won't succeed all the time, but I want to learn to pick my battles rather than actioning every thought that pops into my head or wearing every emotion I feel on my face. I want to learn to enjoy the beautiful messiness of having a young family before it's too late. I want to remember the important things in the moment and let them influence my reaction, rather than feeling guilt three hours later when I look back on how I could have handled a situation with more compassion and care.

I'm starting with a few small things to build good habits and then I'll go from there:

Showing appreciation in the moment

I will spend more time recognising and vocalising my appreciation for the little things that my family do every day to show their support and their love. Anything from thanking my husband for taking the rubbish out, to telling my sister-in-law that I appreciate her being on the other end of the phone to rant about our kids.

Writing down what I'm grateful for at the end of every day

And I don't mean the obvious things like a roof over my head and food to eat, I mean things that are specific to that day. The small things that can be easily glanced over and forgotten unless you shine a light on them. I'm going to aim for at least 5 (some days will be harder than others) but write down as many as I can think of.

Counting to 10 before responding to a situation

I'm very in the moment when it comes to my reactions. I flip a lid or say express feelings of frustration and then wish I'd just keep my mouth shut, so if I give myself some room to pause, hopefully, I can squash some of the immediate ire and replace it with something more constructive or positive.

Fingers crossed these things will make an improvement, and I'll stop feeling so guilty about my mopey mood and appreciate more of what I've already got.